Profiles

Everyone can benefit from therapy, but our approach is especially effective for men that resonate with one or more of these common profiles. These are not clinical terms or categories. Take them with a grain of salt. They are simply a way to understand common patterns and presentations. You might identify with more than one as they are often overlapping/related.  

The Nice Guy

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The Nice Guy: You need other people to be okay with you. The idea of disappointing someone or burdening them is terrifying. This is especially the case with romantic relationships. And so you do all you can to avoid conflict. This results in lots of anxiety. You are very agreeable and never say no to people. The only person you say no to is yourself – you tend to de-prioritize your needs, never ask for help, and withhold from yourself. You actually have a very difficult time setting boundaries or expressing your true feelings because to do so feels like a threat – like your inconveniencing others or burdening them. Your main strategy to get what you want from others is to “make them happy” and satisfied with you in the hopes that they will give you what you want/need without you having to actually say what it is. When things aren’t going well in the relationship, you experience resentment and engage in passive aggressive behaviours. If you’re single or dating, you often get “friend zoned”.

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People say: You’re insecure, passive aggressive, not confident, boring, I can’t trust you.

Problems: Anxiety symptoms, people treat you poorly, low self-worth, you don’t have your needs met, you feel resentful, you sometimes explode, mind racing, can’t relax.

 

The Marlboro Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Marlboro Man: Think of the stereotypical “man’s man” from the 1950’s. Never revealing any weakness or pain. Never complaining. Never expressing or sharing any real emotion. You prioritize individualism, self-sufficiency, and keeping to yourself. You hate relying on other people or fully trusting them for anything. Expressing or sharing emotions seems feminine, so you never do that. This results in emotional suppression, relationships that lack actual depth, social isolation. You are never vulnerable with others. expressing emotion is a sign of weakness. You would never ask help from others. You say “it is what it is” often. Risk taking behaviour associated with “over-doing it” or not using protection/safety measures (ex: lifting 200lb equipment in the back of the truck alone, instead of asking for a hand). Trying to live life without acknowledging your limits. You deny self-care by de-prioritizing yourself – not so others will like you (like the nice guy), but so you feel manly, strong, and not dependent on anything/anyone. To have needs is to be vulnerable or weak - so the less the better. You keep others at a distance emotionally because the closer they get, the more “not in control” you feel or the more dependent you might become on them. Above all else, be self-sufficient. You would do anything for your partner, you’re partner says you don’t care about them – which confuses you because you would do anything for them – and often do!

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People say: You’re hard to get to know, cold, indifferent, too blunt, unemotional, not empathetic, not vulnerable enough, poor at communicating, can’t “connect with you”.

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Problems: Relationship problems like low intimacy, arguments, no communication, resentment etc. Low mood, No joy, thoughts of not wanting to exist. Ambiguous health problems like gut issues, blood pressure, heart problems, cancers, etc. Anger outbursts, feeling unappreciated. Always tired but can’t sleep.

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The Lion Tamer

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The Lion Tamer: You find yourself doing all sorts of things - whatever Is required - to contain the beast inside of you. Deep down somewhere within you, you know there is an ugly, scary monster, that has the potential to do so much damage and you try your best to keep it away from the outside world. To keep it hidden because you know that if/when it gets out, it results in catastrophe….You remember hurting the people around you and you’re ashamed of those memories. You try not to think of them, but they always pop up... Whether they are anger explosions, addiction binges, violence, extreme quitting, deep depression, or overwhelming panic, you are terrified of it…and so you do whatever it takes, which will look different for different people - sedation vices like alcohol, weed, or video games to sooth and distract. Risk/adrenalin seeking vices like drugs, gambling, extreme speeding, risk taking, etc. People pleasing tendencies like no boundaries, suppressing emotions/memories, isolation, etc.

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People say: You’re a narcissist, liar, manipulator, controlling, etc.

Problems: Very self-critical thoughts, low mood, no control of vices, anxiety, thoughts of not wanting to exist, low self-worth, 

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The Provider

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Provider: You’re responsible, you sacrifice your time and energy for your family. Your value is in making the money so that your family can live well. You don’t know what else you can provide or if there Is even an alternative to your value. Sometimes, you feel like an ATM – that money is all you have to offer your family…sometimes it seems like that’s all your good for, or that’s all they want from you. Guilt and duty are the reasons why you do/don’t do things. You’re overly-self sacrificial, maybe becoming a bit of a martyr, feel guilty to spend time with friends, engage in hobbies, or just to hang out and not be productive for once. Other than my job and husband/father who am I? You end up having no personal identity. Become a story in the walk away wife syndrome: phenomenon”. 

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People say: Your life looks perfect, I don’t see you enough, it’ shard to get to know you.

Problems:  Low mood, no joy, no motivation, feeling lost, “midlife crisis”, mind racing, anxious, always tired but cant sleep. Your relationship is really struggling, but you don’t even know it because on the outside it seems fine (walk away wife syndrome), overwhelm from all the work, responsibilities, and stress. Thoughts of not wanting to exist, low self-worth, 

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The ManTeen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Manteen: You avoid commitment and responsibility. You shy away from You are scared to fail so you don’t even try. You stick to what you know and what you’re good at – mostly video games and surfing the web, because your day is mostly defined by what will give you pleasure and what you “feel like doing”. You get overwhelmed easy which leads to explosions or outburst on the people you love – you don’t want to hurt them, but you just get so frustrated when they’re trying to tell you what to do or control you. You just need people to get off your back. 
You find solace in the things that bring you pleasure– maybe video games, weed, alcohol, porn, sexting, online shopping, junk food. You’re not addicted, its just a comfort. You haven’t actually pushed yourself out of your comfort zone for a long time.You don’t like meeting new people. You feel judged by others.

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People say: You’re unreliable, be more mature or responsible, “you need to …..(take initiative, grow up, etc), 

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Problems: No joy, procrastination, 

The High Performer​

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The High Performer: On the outside, people are impressed by all your accomplishments and successes. They tell you you’re level headed,  ambitious, and a hard worker.  Yet you never feel “caught up”, you always fell like you're behind in life. Always feeling like you’re almost good enough, but never quite there. You’re very critical with yourself and might be a perfectionist when you think about it. And every now and then you manage to get it perfect….but the sense of accomplishment, pride, or satisfaction never lasts longer than a few moments….because the next goal is immediately on your mind.

You’re doing all the things you “should do”, and beat yourself up when you don’t. Over time, you notice your motivation, energy and drive decreasing…so you lean into willpower to power through it….but it gets harder and harder to sustain…eventually procrastination and focus are becoming real problems and its getting in the way of your productivity…. this isn't like you, but you can't seem to get back into your consistent rhythm and motivation. Burnout and emptiness are real possibilities. 

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People say: You should relax and reward yourself once in a while. Don’t worry about it, it’s fine, you’ve got it all, you don't need to kill yourself.

Problems: Cant’ focus, low motivation, procrastination, overwhelm, very self-critical thoughts, health problems, burnout.

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The Lost Sailor

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The Lost Sailor: Typically a young man with inner potential and prospects but is feeling lost and void of purpose and meaning in life. They are doing all the things they should be, but not finding results. The might feel really stuck in life. Like they cant get ahead. They might be struggling in the dating scene and getting discouraged. Or perhaps moving ahead in their career is taking forever and they are getting frustrated. Financial strain can be burdensome and make you feel “not enough” especially when you compare yourself to your friends or other people you know that “have it all together” 

They might be living life similar to the manchild because…without purpose or direction, why not indulge?  ….or they might resonate with the high performer, in that you’re going though the motions of doing the things you know are "good for you” or that you "should so”…but maybe you don’t know why, you feel its pointless, or you're not certain about where your heading.  someone that’s putting in lots of the work, but not getting those external results. If single

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People say: You’re a nice guy, there’s nothing wrong, 

Problems: Feeling lost, directionless, and stuck. No motivation, thoughts of not wanting to exist, low mood, don’t want to hang out with friends, vices are increasing, 

 

The Chameleon

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The Chameleon: Either you: match the other person so as to essentially copy them or try to be like them…Telling them exactly what they want to hear to make the interaction frictionless and smooth, losing your sense of self in the process. Liking what they like, wanting what they want. Or you camouflage yourself in the background and become somewhat of an invisible man. You fear getting noticed or standing out in some way and so you tend to blend in with everything else. Either way, you don’t have a well defined sense of self, and thus, don’t stand for anything and don’t even know what your needs are or what you want. Either way, you show up with nothing unique to share, no passions, no stories. You’re convinced you’ve got nothing to bring to the table, so you copy them or hide in the background hoping to be not noticed.
But these are habits, not permanent flaws. You can change these ways of being so you show up with presence instead of “performing”, share significant parts of you and your experience instead of hiding. You can build a life that is worth leaning into.

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People say: I don’t know you, you’re hard to get to know, you’re emotionless

Problems: Numb, low motivation, procrastination, health problems, loss of identity, midlife crisis, don’t want to hang with friends, no discipline, self-loathing, thoughts of not wanting to exist, lie and cheat in relationships, feel like a failure, miserable at work, feel stuck and hopeless.

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